A Prayer of Desparation

The violence in Chicago is suffocating, and sometimes this is the only way to breathe…

“I’m going up yonder, I’m going up yonder, going up yonder, to be with my Lord.”
I just hope that He’ll embrace me when I arrive.
That when I lift my head and look The Most High in His eyes,
He’ll stretch his arms wide and welcome me into the realm of a new life.
That He’ll erase all trepidation and memories of my previous plight,
Correct my posture and show me how to walk in a righteous light.
That with one touch he’ll wipe away the remnants of all the tears I cried night after night.
That in an instant, all wrong will be right.
What had died in me will come back to life.
That the song in my soul will no longer be quieted.
& I’ll be forgiven no matter what it was that I’d did.
I’d encounter a brief reminder of my inheritance and be given life again.
Since I was born into a system not setup to let me win.
A society that damns our boys to hell before they can even dream of becoming men.
Leading them to believe that making it includes a life of crime, countless trips to the pen, and making babies they’ll never see again.
Ultimately being murdered cause it’s supposedly honor in getting your face on a tshirt and being carried by 6 of your friends.
That swiftly sweeps our girls into a tornado of treachery and sin.
Telling them that the only way to win is by having a fat ass and weave that hangs down to it, and getting on their back and underneath some man.
That it’s ok to have baby after baby as long as they’ll accept you at the aid office again.
That they don’t need no help cause that LINK card is the secret to their plan.
& I know I just pissed some folks off but,
I’ve sobbed so often and toiled over the turmoil in the state I’m in.
& I ain’t talking about Illinois, I’m talking about the fact that I’m a Chicagoan…
That I have two boys and daily I feel like I place them up against the wind,
That letting them play outside on our block is like an unspoken death sentence.
Where yeah it’s cops walking our communities but we still lack the resources to bring about the change needed from within.
Where it’s 6 gang factions in a 3 block radius and fear of their foolishness has frozen our streets.
& day after day we’re shocked by the disregard for our lives and left in total disbelief.
So I’ll go first if I have to, just so I can beg at God’s feet,
To have mercy on mine and do a favor for me, by bringing CHITOWN back,
Cause it’s only our babies that are losing out, being casualties of Chiraq.

Bloodshed

I live every day with a crippling, suffocating fear. I fear that each time I walk away from my 2 young sons, I won’t get them back in the same condition I left them. Yes, I’m a God fearing woman and I believe in the works He has for us, I pray constantly and plead the blood over my babies. I also understand that even in this world we live in and God controls, bad things sometimes happen to great people, and my sons are NOT exempt. I also live in Chicago, a beautiful city full of life and culture, that is stained by the blood of our babies. Where youth and adults alike proclaim YOLO and the mass mentality is concerned about when the newest sneakers come out, or what other folk are wearing, or what celebrities are doing, and the SAFETY and SANITY of my babies and all the others just like them aren’t a priority. Yeah I know you grown folks gotta live y’all lives too, you only get one, etc etc, but I don’t want my babies to have to live fast and die young, nor should you. When do we have enough?!? The loss of life is already insurmountable! When do we recreate our sense of community? When do we reclaim our pride and dignity as a people?!?! When can mothers and fathers stop fearing, believing, coming to terms with the fact that they may very well bury their own children?!?! How do we get our “brand new day”?!?!

Nature’s Tragedy

No explanation. I just needed to breathe a little…

I’ve yearned for it since day one…
The love of a being who was always emotionally absent,
That acted as though I was a mistake or something they regret happened.
I’ve wasted my life wondering how I could get through,
And exactly what it couldve been that I did to you,
To make you stay away from me.
I’m always trying to figure out who you really want to me to be,
Cause from the looks of our current situation you don’t particularly care for me.
See from what the fairy tales tell me you’re supposed to love me unconditionally,
And take pride in the fact the you helped to create me.
Instead you treat me with such disdain,
A frown comes to your face every time you hear my name.
Getting you to be nice to me is a cruel and tiresome game,
And anytime something bad happens I’m the first one you choose to blame.
This shit is insane.
A person outside my shoes would call me dramatic,
Looking at our dynamic like its just minor static.
But in the pits of my eyes and spirit I read a story so tragic,
And feel the horrid effects of a situation where love’s not exactly automatic.
I’ve pretty much had it.
If you’d actually gotten to know me you’d see its all true,
And how sad our saga is cause I’m so much like you.
Regardless of our journey I’ll always love you like no other,
Cause I’ve never wanted anything more than the love of my mother…

There Goes The Neighborhood

I wish I could summarize the personality of my oldest son. He’s 6 years old with the spirit of an old man and the heart of a giant. He is by far the funnniest child I know and not just because he belongs to me, but because of the stuff he comes up with! Everyday it’s something new. He never ceases to amaze me. He’s the kind of kid that challenges all theories and doesnt take much of anything at face value. I wish some adults had as much sense as he does, but that would be too much of a Utopia huh?!

Anyway, this morning he wakes up and is watching his regular Saturday morning cartoons. Of course the part I dread the most comes up. He sees a commercial for some toy and says “Ma can I have that?” My reply is simple, heck it’s November, “I don’t know, maybe you should ask Santa Claus for it.”. He proceeds to say to me: “Ma, I know the truth about Santa Claus. (as he cuts his eyes at me) I know he’s not real.” *GASP!!!!!!!* W…….T…….H……. I act as though thats the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever heard in my life and he goes on: “I mean Ma seriously, would you let some white dude break into our house JUST to leave me presents?!? People go to jail like that!” So now I’m sitting here dumbfounded, and I can’t really refute his statements because honestly, they make alot of damn sense and he’s looking at me with the “I’m no fool, you’ve been bamboozling me” look on his face. In an attempt to keep a straight face and not fall out laughing I just remain silent for a moment then ask him who would tell him such a thing. Not surprisingly he assures me no one had to tell him anything, I mean this IS my child we’re talking about.

I decide to just drop the issue, not exactly sure if we’re even gonna revisit it because I’m so disappointed and he ends the conversation with this: “Oh but I DO believe in people though!” In Mauri speak that translates into, “I let you lie to me all these years, so lemme get that toy up out you!” Is it just me or is this a turning point as a parent?!?! I’m a lil disappointed as though I’M the one that still believes in Santa Claus and he just blew it for me! LOL I bet he can’t wait to share this new info with his little brother. I got my eye on him! What a GRINCH!!!!