A Prayer of Desparation

The violence in Chicago is suffocating, and sometimes this is the only way to breathe…

“I’m going up yonder, I’m going up yonder, going up yonder, to be with my Lord.”
I just hope that He’ll embrace me when I arrive.
That when I lift my head and look The Most High in His eyes,
He’ll stretch his arms wide and welcome me into the realm of a new life.
That He’ll erase all trepidation and memories of my previous plight,
Correct my posture and show me how to walk in a righteous light.
That with one touch he’ll wipe away the remnants of all the tears I cried night after night.
That in an instant, all wrong will be right.
What had died in me will come back to life.
That the song in my soul will no longer be quieted.
& I’ll be forgiven no matter what it was that I’d did.
I’d encounter a brief reminder of my inheritance and be given life again.
Since I was born into a system not setup to let me win.
A society that damns our boys to hell before they can even dream of becoming men.
Leading them to believe that making it includes a life of crime, countless trips to the pen, and making babies they’ll never see again.
Ultimately being murdered cause it’s supposedly honor in getting your face on a tshirt and being carried by 6 of your friends.
That swiftly sweeps our girls into a tornado of treachery and sin.
Telling them that the only way to win is by having a fat ass and weave that hangs down to it, and getting on their back and underneath some man.
That it’s ok to have baby after baby as long as they’ll accept you at the aid office again.
That they don’t need no help cause that LINK card is the secret to their plan.
& I know I just pissed some folks off but,
I’ve sobbed so often and toiled over the turmoil in the state I’m in.
& I ain’t talking about Illinois, I’m talking about the fact that I’m a Chicagoan…
That I have two boys and daily I feel like I place them up against the wind,
That letting them play outside on our block is like an unspoken death sentence.
Where yeah it’s cops walking our communities but we still lack the resources to bring about the change needed from within.
Where it’s 6 gang factions in a 3 block radius and fear of their foolishness has frozen our streets.
& day after day we’re shocked by the disregard for our lives and left in total disbelief.
So I’ll go first if I have to, just so I can beg at God’s feet,
To have mercy on mine and do a favor for me, by bringing CHITOWN back,
Cause it’s only our babies that are losing out, being casualties of Chiraq.

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Bloodshed

I live every day with a crippling, suffocating fear. I fear that each time I walk away from my 2 young sons, I won’t get them back in the same condition I left them. Yes, I’m a God fearing woman and I believe in the works He has for us, I pray constantly and plead the blood over my babies. I also understand that even in this world we live in and God controls, bad things sometimes happen to great people, and my sons are NOT exempt. I also live in Chicago, a beautiful city full of life and culture, that is stained by the blood of our babies. Where youth and adults alike proclaim YOLO and the mass mentality is concerned about when the newest sneakers come out, or what other folk are wearing, or what celebrities are doing, and the SAFETY and SANITY of my babies and all the others just like them aren’t a priority. Yeah I know you grown folks gotta live y’all lives too, you only get one, etc etc, but I don’t want my babies to have to live fast and die young, nor should you. When do we have enough?!? The loss of life is already insurmountable! When do we recreate our sense of community? When do we reclaim our pride and dignity as a people?!?! When can mothers and fathers stop fearing, believing, coming to terms with the fact that they may very well bury their own children?!?! How do we get our “brand new day”?!?!

Time

The difference between the past and the future is merely a matter of days.
Passing glances, amazing memories, faded pictures and words that have withered away.
Presently living inside the arms of years passed,
Wondering at times what we could have done to make us last.
Catching hell in the right now each time we cross paths,
While driving my damn self insane trying to figure out the math.
Totaling up all our wins and losses,
Dividing the rights by the wrongs,
Multiplying that by the love we once shared,
And attempting to subtract the pain.
Somehow it seems to all be in vain.
See my sensibility tells me we’ll never be the same,
And my heart is constantly being overridden by my brain,
While the sentimental side of me suggests I just try it all again.
Then we bump heads in the present and I just acquire new reasons to complain.
When I look into our future I see more days of discontent, a few laughs, some long discussions, maybe some great sex, but ultimately more arguments.
Disagreeing about exactly how our puzzle fits together,
Stepping into storms knowing we don’t have the equipment to withstand the weather.
In our former days we loved without protection, no barriers or fears,
Yet in our now we’re only left with open wounds, heavily structured walls, and pools of tears.
It allows me to see real clear…
I loved you with everything I had in my yesteryear,
Now all those emotions today are tainted with resentment even though you remain so dear.
I try to convince myself we can make it in the tomorrows and although I really hope it could be true,
I realize in my heart of hearts, there’s no place in my future for you.

A Child’s Tragedy

Children living in urban war zones,
Too complacent to be complainants,
Cultivated into a culture where killing is common.
Not given an option to use their mind as a sword,
Living a life heavily protected by body armor.
Our future heroes are being hunted,
Stalked and slaughtered like prey.
Not even slightly aware they deserve better,
Cause they started life out this way.
We’ve replaced our youth’s books with babies,
Taken their literature and given them live ammunition.
And as much as it hurts, its hard to blame them for their dastardly deeds because we’ve placed them in these positions.
Each time a kid’s cut down, we complain, cry, and sing the blues,
Only to continue the next day despite life’s harsh reality,
Until the next time we hear about it on the news.
We expect them to raise themselves,
Become men and women of valor without giving them values.
We rely on teachers to discipline and impart wisdom,
Instead of parenting them ourselves.
Not equipping them with life skills and legacies,
Just hoping they do the best with the hand they’re dealt.
What we fail to realize is,
its imperative that knowledge is inherited,
That we continue to give our children a chance to choose.
Instead of being comfortable living in a society that keeps graveyards and prisons in business,
But doesn’t have a problem closing down our schools.

Where I Wanna Be

I stopped briefly to take it all in,
Could immediately feel the hairs stand up on my skin.
Its like I started to hear noise previously silent to me,
Began to notice things I forgot how to see.
Like the melody of the wind as it dances through the trees,
How the sweet scent of rain took over my nostrils as I breathed.
How the sun tinted sky offered so much joy and glee,
And if I slowed down long enough how the wind seemed to lift me off my feet.
My senses opened up and it became plainly clear to me,
I’m in love,
And this is exactly where I want to be…

What’s YOUR Definition?!

Is it baby with the slanted eyes, full lips and broad back,
Who is real easy on the eyes but his conversation is real wack?
Could it be the smooth operating playboy with sensuality oozing from his pores,
Who sexes you like crazy but thinks romancing you is a chore?
Maybe its the debonair dude with plenty dollars,
That lives lakeside and drives the Range,
Who let’s you “Throw It In The Bag”,
But won’t ever offer you his last name.
I’m just trying to get in your head, just playing a lil guessing game.
We aint necessarily gotta name names, but throughout this process my question remains the same,
What’s YOUR definition of a good man?
Do you believe he’s the intelligent streetwise fella that makes sure you know he’s your #1 fan,
But got caught up in the streets and forgot to formulate an exit plan?
Who always seems to have your back and support you if he can,
Just happened to leave for a stretch,
Which wasn’t necessarily in your plan.
Did jail make him stop being a good man?!
Oh I got it, I got it!
Its the Ivy League Grad that charms other with his sly grin,
Highly educated, well versed,
But is sinister within.
The guy who looks real good in public but is a monster behind closed doors,
Lays his hands on true goddesses,
Treats ladies like they’re whores.
Before I go too far, lemme just make it clear to you.
Often times we measure our men in what they HAVE and what they DO.
We forgot to take a look at who they ARE and could possibly BE,
And I’m not knocking anybody just calling out what I see.
Just saying that maybe its our job to attempt to build with whatever type of man we choose,
And not get so caught up in appearances that we almost ensure we lose.
Just remember no man’s perfect and it may be something that each one is missing,
Just do what works for YOU and remember the question,
What’s YOUR definition?!

Never Lost

Somehow I lost her wrapped inside of you.
It took too long for me to even realize that much was true.
I sat her down at your doorstep, a mansion of broken promises and deep pain.
Left her like a mother’s abandoned baby, never to return again.
I thought I lost her when I loved you, but boy was I wrong.
I simply loaned her to you, just left her there too long.
Well Im back here at your doorstep and the loan is way past due.
I don’t know how much interest you thought you could accrue!
So liquidate your assets, sell your soul if you have to,
Cause Im back for what’s mine, u better do what u gotta do.
See I thought I lost her when I loved you,
I merely let her go to grow;
And she’s blossomed, she’s bloomed much more than you’d ever know.
She loves the woman she is and everything about where she comes from.
She looks forward to her future and the Queen she will become.
I really thought I lost her when I loved you, but boy, was the joke on you.
I mean we thank you for your time, even all the shit you put her through.
Truth be told you made her better, we owe it all to you.
Haha, I was afraid I lost her when I loved you,
but she was NEVER there to stay.
She just vacationed at your place, kind of a retreat so she could find her way.
Well this trip has come to an end, the ride has really been a blast.
Now Baby Girl go on and pack your things,
Cause we got a flight to catch!

Reminiscing

This is what happens when I sit back and do a lil Reminiscing…

There used to be a different time, back when the air still smelled fresh.
Before life got polluted with broken hearts and regrets.
It was such a simpler time then, before sonnets and soliloquies,
When a simple Haiku about your hair was enough to set you free.
It was an easier time then, back when intercourse was still electric,
And even now thats too deep for some of yall to get.
It was a nicer time then, way before Keith Sweat started whining about losing you,
When hearing Frankie Beverly say “I Love You Much Too Much” was enough to soothe you.
Time was much different then, and life didn’t seem so bleak.
I’m talking bout before love became bittersweet.
Back when promises was actually made to keep.
When we was all still wishing on stars and rainbows, not caring which way love may make us go.
You know, before folks start keeping everything on the down low?!?!?!
Back when Curtis, Aretha, and Gladys were all singing bout “The Makings of You”,
Way before Lil Weezy liked her, and liked her too.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not throwing stones,
I’m simply speaking my mind,
And wishing I had a machine that could take me back to that time.

It’s All In The Message

I had to just started to walk away, when something crept up my spine.
A feeling I had suppressed, even ignored, many many times.
I was afraid to jump at first, apprehensive about what I might find;
But I was gon’ be damned if I continued to let love keep me so blind.
And there it was, sleek, shiny, and silver; teasingly, temptingly calling out to me.
Whispering, “Lil Mama nows your chance. Control your own destiny.”
So caution was not as conscious and a little bit closer I came.
Hell, didn’t I just tell you I heard it call my name?!?!?!
I soon lost all apprehension and grew a pair of balls.
Negro I wondered WAYYYY too long about all those late night calls.
I yelled your name aloud, which was ignored although you were only in the next room.
And from that second forward every realm of our relationship was doomed.
I quickly sat down so I could take it all in,
all the while being sure this was the beginning of our end.
Opened it up and realized it was locked before I could even start,
but I been wit yo ass 4 years, I KNOW you aint THAT damn smart.
Good thing I know your social by heart. 😉
Got cozy, entered those predictable four digits and when I saw what I saw almost had a fit!
I couldnt wrap my mind around who the calls and texts was telling me you been wit.
And I wasn’t on no “Woman to Woman” type shit but I swear I was bout to call that bitch.
Wait, let me get calm and handle this situation right,
cause I was gonna get to the bottom of it all before the end of the night.
I was shocked, shaken even, and had no clue where to begin,
I mean fine you cheatin, but this heifer was supposed to be my friend!
Had to stop, had to think, even pray and ask God what this was about,
and plead for the strength not to destroy you and everything in this house.
I decided to put my emotions aside and let my voice of reason prevail,
cause Heaven only knew I was ready to go to jail.
I gathered my thoughts as well as my things, and before you could blink I was gone.
Leaving a simple note on your pillow that told you,
“I bet you’ll wish you never walked away from this damn phone!”

The Boy Next Door

I see him daily, parading his pooch’s past me…
He always slides me this sly smile and I grin back gladly.
I mean he’s a sure specimen of sexy and leaves me longing whenever I look,
but when it comes to speaking my piece I just always become so shook.
This familiar ass stranger’s a winner in my book!
Check it out, he got this creamy cocoa complexion that makes me wanna take a bite,
& these mysterious ass eyes that look like thats something he might like.
He’s wearing these thick broad brows that tell of lengthy nights and longer mornings,
& perfectly sized ears to nestle my lips in when Im moaning.
Am I daydreaming of us boning?
Damn yall, I think Im jonesing!!!
Honey almost got me open, but shit I dont even know him.
Pshh, dont make me mention the mouth on him,
cause those lips definitely made for more than talking!
& I know yall thinking, “This crazy bitch stalking”,
but blame it on Babyboy cause HE that one got me gawking!!!!
All cause of this damn dog walking…
Im real scared to speak up cause I aint tryin to leave this up to luck.
Shit to be honest Im tryin to f…, wait, hold on let me back up,
before this manifestation of a marvelous man have me stuck!!!!
Hahaha, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
I aint real good at this lil game, & dont wanna come off like no lame.
Real talk, if I let him just walk away it’d be a damn shame,
So how bout I just grab the gate for him & start wit my name?

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