A Prayer of Desparation

The violence in Chicago is suffocating, and sometimes this is the only way to breathe…

“I’m going up yonder, I’m going up yonder, going up yonder, to be with my Lord.”
I just hope that He’ll embrace me when I arrive.
That when I lift my head and look The Most High in His eyes,
He’ll stretch his arms wide and welcome me into the realm of a new life.
That He’ll erase all trepidation and memories of my previous plight,
Correct my posture and show me how to walk in a righteous light.
That with one touch he’ll wipe away the remnants of all the tears I cried night after night.
That in an instant, all wrong will be right.
What had died in me will come back to life.
That the song in my soul will no longer be quieted.
& I’ll be forgiven no matter what it was that I’d did.
I’d encounter a brief reminder of my inheritance and be given life again.
Since I was born into a system not setup to let me win.
A society that damns our boys to hell before they can even dream of becoming men.
Leading them to believe that making it includes a life of crime, countless trips to the pen, and making babies they’ll never see again.
Ultimately being murdered cause it’s supposedly honor in getting your face on a tshirt and being carried by 6 of your friends.
That swiftly sweeps our girls into a tornado of treachery and sin.
Telling them that the only way to win is by having a fat ass and weave that hangs down to it, and getting on their back and underneath some man.
That it’s ok to have baby after baby as long as they’ll accept you at the aid office again.
That they don’t need no help cause that LINK card is the secret to their plan.
& I know I just pissed some folks off but,
I’ve sobbed so often and toiled over the turmoil in the state I’m in.
& I ain’t talking about Illinois, I’m talking about the fact that I’m a Chicagoan…
That I have two boys and daily I feel like I place them up against the wind,
That letting them play outside on our block is like an unspoken death sentence.
Where yeah it’s cops walking our communities but we still lack the resources to bring about the change needed from within.
Where it’s 6 gang factions in a 3 block radius and fear of their foolishness has frozen our streets.
& day after day we’re shocked by the disregard for our lives and left in total disbelief.
So I’ll go first if I have to, just so I can beg at God’s feet,
To have mercy on mine and do a favor for me, by bringing CHITOWN back,
Cause it’s only our babies that are losing out, being casualties of Chiraq.

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Lessons In Loss

There isn’t much that’s artistic about this. It’s just how I really feel and what I really needed to say. Just because I Miss you Daddy.

Destroyed to my core in the very instant that you left,
I put on a brave face for the world and never really focused on myself.
Didn’t use any of those stolen moments to examine what affect losing you really had on me,
I kept busy with minor details until pain was something I refused to see.
It has taken me 2,355 days to realize how much this grief has kept me trapped,
And to realize that no matter how many tears I cry, not even God Himself is gonna give you back.
It’s been so hard for me to admit that pieces of me just wanted to cling to you and got trapped inside your coffin,
Even though the nightmares of my face being replaced with yours inside it came to me so often.
So many people told me back then that time would make this road easier, but 56,520 hours have passed and I STILL haven’t found that to be true,
And in my darkest hours I’ve seen that they buried so much of my heart and soul underneath that soil with you.
This though, has been a day filled with revelation and it hasn’t come a moment too late,
Because the woman I am today understands that for some of God’s greatest gifts we must patiently wait.
Daddy, God just spoke to me and told me to give Him every ounce of this load that hurts,
He also reminded me that before you were taken away, He loved me enough to bless me with you first.
He brought up all our adventures together, every powerful lesson I’ve learned,
And caught each one of my tears in His hand as He assured me that your rest is something you have earned.
He scolded me for apologizing for loving you so dearly and convinced me that was his intent when He introduced me to you,
And gave me word that you’re proud of who I am today and of the woman I am growing into.
He said that He agreed that some parts of me were buried the day we laid you to rest,
But that too was by His design and assured me that He knows best.
He showed me that the largest thing that I buried with you was the spirit of defeat,
And gave me example after example of how since I’ve lost you I continue to land on my feet.
He made me remember that I learned then that if I sought Him there was nothing I couldn’t overcome,
And that I’m continuing to run in this race because I’m being carried by His Son.
The thing that made me smile most was the last message He gave because I know in my heart that it’s true.
He said he understands that it is now 3,391,200 minutes later, but it’s OKAY if I still miss you.
I love you Daddy.

Time

The difference between the past and the future is merely a matter of days.
Passing glances, amazing memories, faded pictures and words that have withered away.
Presently living inside the arms of years passed,
Wondering at times what we could have done to make us last.
Catching hell in the right now each time we cross paths,
While driving my damn self insane trying to figure out the math.
Totaling up all our wins and losses,
Dividing the rights by the wrongs,
Multiplying that by the love we once shared,
And attempting to subtract the pain.
Somehow it seems to all be in vain.
See my sensibility tells me we’ll never be the same,
And my heart is constantly being overridden by my brain,
While the sentimental side of me suggests I just try it all again.
Then we bump heads in the present and I just acquire new reasons to complain.
When I look into our future I see more days of discontent, a few laughs, some long discussions, maybe some great sex, but ultimately more arguments.
Disagreeing about exactly how our puzzle fits together,
Stepping into storms knowing we don’t have the equipment to withstand the weather.
In our former days we loved without protection, no barriers or fears,
Yet in our now we’re only left with open wounds, heavily structured walls, and pools of tears.
It allows me to see real clear…
I loved you with everything I had in my yesteryear,
Now all those emotions today are tainted with resentment even though you remain so dear.
I try to convince myself we can make it in the tomorrows and although I really hope it could be true,
I realize in my heart of hearts, there’s no place in my future for you.

You Had Me At Hello…

I heard your whispers when you wished for me,
So I went to God on your behalf.
Although I didn’t have a name or a face to match with the voice,
I pleaded with him to give us a chance.
I explained to Him your need for my love and that I’d heard you say so yourself,
And I knew in that instant you could have only meant me,
that I was sure you couldn’t be speaking of anyone else.
He confessed to me that we were indeed created for each other,
but our union would not come without work.
He told me the task before me may not be easy,
and I definitely would not be your first.
He counseled me on how to strudge through the storms,
and when needed, how to carry us through unscathed.
Told me He’d waited for the right moment,
but my heart told Him I was ready,
and next was the blessing He gave.
He fashioned my soul’s song to match yours,
and with that, He sent me down to Earth.
An angel with a royal inheritance
seeking her king, Oh! What a blessed search.
My arrival didn’t come without trials,
I was tested and even experienced some pain.
I was armed with the foresight to know though,
that my reward would be priceless once you came.
I met handsome men, even rich ones,
some intelligent and debonair,
but as soon as they opened their mouths I dismissed them.
THAT voice just wasnt there.
When I saw YOU though, my spirit danced,
and my heart seemed to skip a beat.
I tried to gather myself,
but I’ll admit it,
I held my breath and waited for you to speak.
As I look in your eyes in this moment I can tell you,
there’s more power in your voice than you know.
Your declarations of love today don’t go unnoticed,
but you had me at “Hello.”

Where I Wanna Be

I stopped briefly to take it all in,
Could immediately feel the hairs stand up on my skin.
Its like I started to hear noise previously silent to me,
Began to notice things I forgot how to see.
Like the melody of the wind as it dances through the trees,
How the sweet scent of rain took over my nostrils as I breathed.
How the sun tinted sky offered so much joy and glee,
And if I slowed down long enough how the wind seemed to lift me off my feet.
My senses opened up and it became plainly clear to me,
I’m in love,
And this is exactly where I want to be…

The Pieces Won’t Do

I’ve never agreed to accepting half of you,
My love is too deep to settle for part of the whole.
See I don’t know if you realize it or not but,
When I gave you my heart AND my body I also gave you a piece of my soul.
I didn’t enter this agreement intending to be 1 of 2.
I offered myself to you wholly and expected you to follow suit.
Now maybe that expectation was my first mistake,
I probably should’ve followed all the signs.
I foolishly let my heart do all the deciding,
Forgot to consult with my mind.
What I’m trying to say is I aint gonna be able to settle for being your girlfriend on the side,
Or the plaything you choose to have in addition to your wife.
I’d like to think I’m a woman of virtue and darling that scenario just aint right.
Let’s not go too far now,
My feelings for you don’t amount to desperation,
And I really don’t have too much of an issue with walking away from this situation.
I simply wanted to make things clear for you,
So at this point it’s your call.
I’ve never been one that was too fond of sharing,
So I’m gonna just let the chips fall,
And while this may escape your understanding a bit,
Allow me to politely inform you,
I don’t want half of you,
I need it all.

What’s YOUR Definition?!

Is it baby with the slanted eyes, full lips and broad back,
Who is real easy on the eyes but his conversation is real wack?
Could it be the smooth operating playboy with sensuality oozing from his pores,
Who sexes you like crazy but thinks romancing you is a chore?
Maybe its the debonair dude with plenty dollars,
That lives lakeside and drives the Range,
Who let’s you “Throw It In The Bag”,
But won’t ever offer you his last name.
I’m just trying to get in your head, just playing a lil guessing game.
We aint necessarily gotta name names, but throughout this process my question remains the same,
What’s YOUR definition of a good man?
Do you believe he’s the intelligent streetwise fella that makes sure you know he’s your #1 fan,
But got caught up in the streets and forgot to formulate an exit plan?
Who always seems to have your back and support you if he can,
Just happened to leave for a stretch,
Which wasn’t necessarily in your plan.
Did jail make him stop being a good man?!
Oh I got it, I got it!
Its the Ivy League Grad that charms other with his sly grin,
Highly educated, well versed,
But is sinister within.
The guy who looks real good in public but is a monster behind closed doors,
Lays his hands on true goddesses,
Treats ladies like they’re whores.
Before I go too far, lemme just make it clear to you.
Often times we measure our men in what they HAVE and what they DO.
We forgot to take a look at who they ARE and could possibly BE,
And I’m not knocking anybody just calling out what I see.
Just saying that maybe its our job to attempt to build with whatever type of man we choose,
And not get so caught up in appearances that we almost ensure we lose.
Just remember no man’s perfect and it may be something that each one is missing,
Just do what works for YOU and remember the question,
What’s YOUR definition?!

It’s All In The Name

All my life I’ve answered to many different things,
Multiple monikers assigned to me by miscellaneous members of my memories.
Muffin, Yummy, Nana, just to name a few,
Oh and Shan, Shanny, Baby,
Any of those names will do.
None quite as special as “The Mrs.” or Mommy which always meant the most to me,
And although they weren’t spoken by too many I respond to those with glee.
I’d like to think I wear my badges proudly.
There was just something about the name YOU gave me.
Something more solid than any pet name given to me by any other lover,
Deeper than the way Shannon was connected to my mother.
One that fit better than the Renee in the center of me,
That matched my personality better than the Nina many have called on most recently.
An appellation that speaks to me deeper than the voices of my brethren.
I just know my spirit sings each time we meet again and you replace my given name with “Heaven”.

Touch Me

I want him to touch me…
But not the way that you may think.
I need the kind of touch that sends me to the edge.
That makes me feel like I’m dangling on a ledge.
You know,
that real small space between reality and ecstasy,
where happiness forms and settles in.
That tiny crevice in time where you’re unsure how your climax began.
I need him to touch me…
But again, not the way that you may think.
You see,
I need him to stroke the cervix of my soul,
To caress the depths of my being that have remained untold.
I yearn for him to touch me…
To pet my ego, hold my fears,
rub my pride and wipe my tears.
To poke my intellect and shake my faith,
To move my overstanding to a higher place.
I long for him to touch me…
To yank my subconsciousness to life,
To pull me in ways that just dont seem right.
To grab hold my senses and never let go,
To take my inhibitions in his hand and drop them real slow.
I only want him to touch me…

Reflections

In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my heart..
I’ve offered it unselfishly, right from the very start.
I’ve thought not, not once, to hold anything back.
See, I’ve given so much, I’m sure my love isn’t something he lacked.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my mind…
A part of me even he told me he thought he’d never find!
A part of me I’m not really quick to even share with others,
But it was something that I liked, maybe even loved about this brother.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my soul…
Pieces of me that chipped away at my existence and made me feel not so whole.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my…hold on a moment…
Or maybe it was more like,
When he was taking he was taking and he damn sure took my all.
See there was never a question too big or ever a need to small.
He was given anything he needed and definitely granted everything he wanted.
He took freely of my kindness and my generosity was surely flaunted.
When he was taking, he was taking,
and he damn sure took my joy.
Something that even as a young woman, I said I’d never give a BOY.
Said I’d never go through, like I went through,
all the time that I was his.
Said I never cry, like I cried,
When I cried all those damn tears.
When he was taking, he was taking,
And damn sure took my, hmmph…
Yeah he stroked me, yeah he sucked me, yeah he kissed me, yeah he hugged me, yeah he caressed me, yeah he’s done me, yeah he cared for me, he even said he loved me.
But when he was taking, he was taking,
And he damn sure took from me…
But at the end of the day, all I can remember is…
In more ways than one, that negro was just fu$*ing me!

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