Time

The difference between the past and the future is merely a matter of days.
Passing glances, amazing memories, faded pictures and words that have withered away.
Presently living inside the arms of years passed,
Wondering at times what we could have done to make us last.
Catching hell in the right now each time we cross paths,
While driving my damn self insane trying to figure out the math.
Totaling up all our wins and losses,
Dividing the rights by the wrongs,
Multiplying that by the love we once shared,
And attempting to subtract the pain.
Somehow it seems to all be in vain.
See my sensibility tells me we’ll never be the same,
And my heart is constantly being overridden by my brain,
While the sentimental side of me suggests I just try it all again.
Then we bump heads in the present and I just acquire new reasons to complain.
When I look into our future I see more days of discontent, a few laughs, some long discussions, maybe some great sex, but ultimately more arguments.
Disagreeing about exactly how our puzzle fits together,
Stepping into storms knowing we don’t have the equipment to withstand the weather.
In our former days we loved without protection, no barriers or fears,
Yet in our now we’re only left with open wounds, heavily structured walls, and pools of tears.
It allows me to see real clear…
I loved you with everything I had in my yesteryear,
Now all those emotions today are tainted with resentment even though you remain so dear.
I try to convince myself we can make it in the tomorrows and although I really hope it could be true,
I realize in my heart of hearts, there’s no place in my future for you.
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You Had Me At Hello…

I heard your whispers when you wished for me,
So I went to God on your behalf.
Although I didn’t have a name or a face to match with the voice,
I pleaded with him to give us a chance.
I explained to Him your need for my love and that I’d heard you say so yourself,
And I knew in that instant you could have only meant me,
that I was sure you couldn’t be speaking of anyone else.
He confessed to me that we were indeed created for each other,
but our union would not come without work.
He told me the task before me may not be easy,
and I definitely would not be your first.
He counseled me on how to strudge through the storms,
and when needed, how to carry us through unscathed.
Told me He’d waited for the right moment,
but my heart told Him I was ready,
and next was the blessing He gave.
He fashioned my soul’s song to match yours,
and with that, He sent me down to Earth.
An angel with a royal inheritance
seeking her king, Oh! What a blessed search.
My arrival didn’t come without trials,
I was tested and even experienced some pain.
I was armed with the foresight to know though,
that my reward would be priceless once you came.
I met handsome men, even rich ones,
some intelligent and debonair,
but as soon as they opened their mouths I dismissed them.
THAT voice just wasnt there.
When I saw YOU though, my spirit danced,
and my heart seemed to skip a beat.
I tried to gather myself,
but I’ll admit it,
I held my breath and waited for you to speak.
As I look in your eyes in this moment I can tell you,
there’s more power in your voice than you know.
Your declarations of love today don’t go unnoticed,
but you had me at “Hello.”

The Pieces Won’t Do

I’ve never agreed to accepting half of you,
My love is too deep to settle for part of the whole.
See I don’t know if you realize it or not but,
When I gave you my heart AND my body I also gave you a piece of my soul.
I didn’t enter this agreement intending to be 1 of 2.
I offered myself to you wholly and expected you to follow suit.
Now maybe that expectation was my first mistake,
I probably should’ve followed all the signs.
I foolishly let my heart do all the deciding,
Forgot to consult with my mind.
What I’m trying to say is I aint gonna be able to settle for being your girlfriend on the side,
Or the plaything you choose to have in addition to your wife.
I’d like to think I’m a woman of virtue and darling that scenario just aint right.
Let’s not go too far now,
My feelings for you don’t amount to desperation,
And I really don’t have too much of an issue with walking away from this situation.
I simply wanted to make things clear for you,
So at this point it’s your call.
I’ve never been one that was too fond of sharing,
So I’m gonna just let the chips fall,
And while this may escape your understanding a bit,
Allow me to politely inform you,
I don’t want half of you,
I need it all.

What’s YOUR Definition?!

Is it baby with the slanted eyes, full lips and broad back,
Who is real easy on the eyes but his conversation is real wack?
Could it be the smooth operating playboy with sensuality oozing from his pores,
Who sexes you like crazy but thinks romancing you is a chore?
Maybe its the debonair dude with plenty dollars,
That lives lakeside and drives the Range,
Who let’s you “Throw It In The Bag”,
But won’t ever offer you his last name.
I’m just trying to get in your head, just playing a lil guessing game.
We aint necessarily gotta name names, but throughout this process my question remains the same,
What’s YOUR definition of a good man?
Do you believe he’s the intelligent streetwise fella that makes sure you know he’s your #1 fan,
But got caught up in the streets and forgot to formulate an exit plan?
Who always seems to have your back and support you if he can,
Just happened to leave for a stretch,
Which wasn’t necessarily in your plan.
Did jail make him stop being a good man?!
Oh I got it, I got it!
Its the Ivy League Grad that charms other with his sly grin,
Highly educated, well versed,
But is sinister within.
The guy who looks real good in public but is a monster behind closed doors,
Lays his hands on true goddesses,
Treats ladies like they’re whores.
Before I go too far, lemme just make it clear to you.
Often times we measure our men in what they HAVE and what they DO.
We forgot to take a look at who they ARE and could possibly BE,
And I’m not knocking anybody just calling out what I see.
Just saying that maybe its our job to attempt to build with whatever type of man we choose,
And not get so caught up in appearances that we almost ensure we lose.
Just remember no man’s perfect and it may be something that each one is missing,
Just do what works for YOU and remember the question,
What’s YOUR definition?!

Reflections

In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my heart..
I’ve offered it unselfishly, right from the very start.
I’ve thought not, not once, to hold anything back.
See, I’ve given so much, I’m sure my love isn’t something he lacked.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my mind…
A part of me even he told me he thought he’d never find!
A part of me I’m not really quick to even share with others,
But it was something that I liked, maybe even loved about this brother.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my soul…
Pieces of me that chipped away at my existence and made me feel not so whole.
In all the things that I’ve given,
I’ve given him my…hold on a moment…
Or maybe it was more like,
When he was taking he was taking and he damn sure took my all.
See there was never a question too big or ever a need to small.
He was given anything he needed and definitely granted everything he wanted.
He took freely of my kindness and my generosity was surely flaunted.
When he was taking, he was taking,
and he damn sure took my joy.
Something that even as a young woman, I said I’d never give a BOY.
Said I’d never go through, like I went through,
all the time that I was his.
Said I never cry, like I cried,
When I cried all those damn tears.
When he was taking, he was taking,
And damn sure took my, hmmph…
Yeah he stroked me, yeah he sucked me, yeah he kissed me, yeah he hugged me, yeah he caressed me, yeah he’s done me, yeah he cared for me, he even said he loved me.
But when he was taking, he was taking,
And he damn sure took from me…
But at the end of the day, all I can remember is…
In more ways than one, that negro was just fu$*ing me!

Never Lost

Somehow I lost her wrapped inside of you.
It took too long for me to even realize that much was true.
I sat her down at your doorstep, a mansion of broken promises and deep pain.
Left her like a mother’s abandoned baby, never to return again.
I thought I lost her when I loved you, but boy was I wrong.
I simply loaned her to you, just left her there too long.
Well Im back here at your doorstep and the loan is way past due.
I don’t know how much interest you thought you could accrue!
So liquidate your assets, sell your soul if you have to,
Cause Im back for what’s mine, u better do what u gotta do.
See I thought I lost her when I loved you,
I merely let her go to grow;
And she’s blossomed, she’s bloomed much more than you’d ever know.
She loves the woman she is and everything about where she comes from.
She looks forward to her future and the Queen she will become.
I really thought I lost her when I loved you, but boy, was the joke on you.
I mean we thank you for your time, even all the shit you put her through.
Truth be told you made her better, we owe it all to you.
Haha, I was afraid I lost her when I loved you,
but she was NEVER there to stay.
She just vacationed at your place, kind of a retreat so she could find her way.
Well this trip has come to an end, the ride has really been a blast.
Now Baby Girl go on and pack your things,
Cause we got a flight to catch!

It’s All In The Message

I had to just started to walk away, when something crept up my spine.
A feeling I had suppressed, even ignored, many many times.
I was afraid to jump at first, apprehensive about what I might find;
But I was gon’ be damned if I continued to let love keep me so blind.
And there it was, sleek, shiny, and silver; teasingly, temptingly calling out to me.
Whispering, “Lil Mama nows your chance. Control your own destiny.”
So caution was not as conscious and a little bit closer I came.
Hell, didn’t I just tell you I heard it call my name?!?!?!
I soon lost all apprehension and grew a pair of balls.
Negro I wondered WAYYYY too long about all those late night calls.
I yelled your name aloud, which was ignored although you were only in the next room.
And from that second forward every realm of our relationship was doomed.
I quickly sat down so I could take it all in,
all the while being sure this was the beginning of our end.
Opened it up and realized it was locked before I could even start,
but I been wit yo ass 4 years, I KNOW you aint THAT damn smart.
Good thing I know your social by heart. 😉
Got cozy, entered those predictable four digits and when I saw what I saw almost had a fit!
I couldnt wrap my mind around who the calls and texts was telling me you been wit.
And I wasn’t on no “Woman to Woman” type shit but I swear I was bout to call that bitch.
Wait, let me get calm and handle this situation right,
cause I was gonna get to the bottom of it all before the end of the night.
I was shocked, shaken even, and had no clue where to begin,
I mean fine you cheatin, but this heifer was supposed to be my friend!
Had to stop, had to think, even pray and ask God what this was about,
and plead for the strength not to destroy you and everything in this house.
I decided to put my emotions aside and let my voice of reason prevail,
cause Heaven only knew I was ready to go to jail.
I gathered my thoughts as well as my things, and before you could blink I was gone.
Leaving a simple note on your pillow that told you,
“I bet you’ll wish you never walked away from this damn phone!”

The Boy Next Door

I see him daily, parading his pooch’s past me…
He always slides me this sly smile and I grin back gladly.
I mean he’s a sure specimen of sexy and leaves me longing whenever I look,
but when it comes to speaking my piece I just always become so shook.
This familiar ass stranger’s a winner in my book!
Check it out, he got this creamy cocoa complexion that makes me wanna take a bite,
& these mysterious ass eyes that look like thats something he might like.
He’s wearing these thick broad brows that tell of lengthy nights and longer mornings,
& perfectly sized ears to nestle my lips in when Im moaning.
Am I daydreaming of us boning?
Damn yall, I think Im jonesing!!!
Honey almost got me open, but shit I dont even know him.
Pshh, dont make me mention the mouth on him,
cause those lips definitely made for more than talking!
& I know yall thinking, “This crazy bitch stalking”,
but blame it on Babyboy cause HE that one got me gawking!!!!
All cause of this damn dog walking…
Im real scared to speak up cause I aint tryin to leave this up to luck.
Shit to be honest Im tryin to f…, wait, hold on let me back up,
before this manifestation of a marvelous man have me stuck!!!!
Hahaha, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
I aint real good at this lil game, & dont wanna come off like no lame.
Real talk, if I let him just walk away it’d be a damn shame,
So how bout I just grab the gate for him & start wit my name?

A Heart’s Confusion

You always know what to say to make things right,
Always seem to be there, ready to hold me at night,
To wrap your arms around my waist, kiss my forehead and assure me it’ll all be ok.
Even though you know I never come to stay,
Cause I’m too wrapped up in that other man.
So stupidly I still refer to you as my friend.
Maybe its because I’m so afraid of being hurt again,
But even that don’t make much sense cause I keep running back to the wrong man.
Knowing you’ll be there to catch me when I fall.
Knowing in my heart that if I allowed you to, you would give your all.
Sensibility escapes me.
I know that with you is really where I’m supposed to be,
It just seems that I’m so torn that I even confuse me.
Maybe I am really afraid to be truly happy.
My eyes are wide open but I still can’t see.
You keep telling me you’ll stick by my side as I attempt to work things through,
I just don’t know exactly what it is that I’m supposed to do.
Its taking everything in me to figure out,
If I love him,
will I be able to love you too??

This Is Where I Get Off…

I must preface this by saying, I’m PRETTY sure I’m gonna ruffle some feathers this time, but I don’t necessarily give a damn. Yeah I know, its gonna be some MAD mofos, male and female alike, but dammit this is how I feel! Can I live?!

You ever been riding a train and the conductor said, “Enough of this bullshit!”, and just hopped off that joint?! What would you do? I mean, you’d most certainly be stuck without a way to get to your destination, and sooner or later you’d just walk off right? You wouldn’t spend time tryna track the conductor down and coaxing him/her to begin operating it again right? If you had any sense, you’d figure out what went wrong on THAT particular ride and try your best to make sure that same mistake doesn’t happen on the next train.

WELP people, that’s how I feel about this “dating game” train it seems I’ve been riding! This is where the hell I get OFF! Ain’t gon’ be no more passengers thinking they can ride for free cause we go way back (remember me from high school ass people!). Aint gon’ be no more million question asking ass people, you ride the same damn train everyday, if you aint figured out the route by now you SHORT! There will be no more folks pulling the emergency brake cause they nodded off and missed their stop and rode they tired ass farther than they intended to! Gone are the days where the strays and stragglers just ride the train day and night with no destination in sight just cause they have nowhere else to go and nothing better to do! I will no longer clean up your trash, store your baggage, be the lost and found for what you leave behind, or be responsible for giving you turn by turn directions to your life’s destinations! If you aint down for the ENTIRE ride, this aint the train for you!

I say all THAT to say this, (this for the people in the cheap seats yall), IF you want a place in my life, a seat on my train so to speak then it is YOUR responsibility to stand up and be accounted for! Come equipped with a plan, a road map of sorts, so you don’t have to rely on me for all the answers. Sometimes I just wanna kick back and take a ride too! Whew honey, I know THIS is gonna get me in some trouble but in other words, MAN THE F*** UP! I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do that! I aint NEVER been a man, so for me to have to play both roles in any relationship with one is ridiculous. If you aint really tryna be WITH me for the long haul, the best idea is to not be with me at all!!!

If you wanna do something nice for me, don’t ASK what I would like to do or have, take some initiative and DO IT! If you wanna take me somewhere nice, make plans & tell me where I need to be and when to be there. Don’t ASK me what I need, pay attention! Hell if it snowed outside, I need my snow shoveled. If its lunchtime then dammit I wanna eat. If its the 1st of the month, the bills are most likely due, get in where you fit in. If its Wednesday send me flowers. Saturday just lend your ear. If you like me wearing my hair straight, shit pay for me to get it pressed out. If you prefer I wear red nail polish, facilitate them getting painted that color. Do you see where I’m going with this?!

I’ve worked my entire teenage/adult life. I don’t NEED to struggle and be uncomfortable in life to prove my independence to anybody! I know for a fact that if the job needs to get done, oh I’m all over it by my lonesome! I’d be DAMNED if I said “I don’t need a man” though!! Now you can call me what you want because I said that, just don’t call me no damn fool! Um men, we need you, those other chicks be frontin’. We also need you to know though, if you gon’ show up, be relevant, be necessary, be the MAN we need. Support us, encourage us, aid and assist us, protect us, PLAY YOUR PART!

Its taken me some time to realize that this has been a runaway train I’ve been aboard. Just picking up random folks along the way, not following a specified route, making stops that don’t make much sense, being misused and taken advantage of, and overextended. Although its been wild, and one helluva ride, THIS is where I get off!!!