A Prayer of Desparation

The violence in Chicago is suffocating, and sometimes this is the only way to breathe…

“I’m going up yonder, I’m going up yonder, going up yonder, to be with my Lord.”
I just hope that He’ll embrace me when I arrive.
That when I lift my head and look The Most High in His eyes,
He’ll stretch his arms wide and welcome me into the realm of a new life.
That He’ll erase all trepidation and memories of my previous plight,
Correct my posture and show me how to walk in a righteous light.
That with one touch he’ll wipe away the remnants of all the tears I cried night after night.
That in an instant, all wrong will be right.
What had died in me will come back to life.
That the song in my soul will no longer be quieted.
& I’ll be forgiven no matter what it was that I’d did.
I’d encounter a brief reminder of my inheritance and be given life again.
Since I was born into a system not setup to let me win.
A society that damns our boys to hell before they can even dream of becoming men.
Leading them to believe that making it includes a life of crime, countless trips to the pen, and making babies they’ll never see again.
Ultimately being murdered cause it’s supposedly honor in getting your face on a tshirt and being carried by 6 of your friends.
That swiftly sweeps our girls into a tornado of treachery and sin.
Telling them that the only way to win is by having a fat ass and weave that hangs down to it, and getting on their back and underneath some man.
That it’s ok to have baby after baby as long as they’ll accept you at the aid office again.
That they don’t need no help cause that LINK card is the secret to their plan.
& I know I just pissed some folks off but,
I’ve sobbed so often and toiled over the turmoil in the state I’m in.
& I ain’t talking about Illinois, I’m talking about the fact that I’m a Chicagoan…
That I have two boys and daily I feel like I place them up against the wind,
That letting them play outside on our block is like an unspoken death sentence.
Where yeah it’s cops walking our communities but we still lack the resources to bring about the change needed from within.
Where it’s 6 gang factions in a 3 block radius and fear of their foolishness has frozen our streets.
& day after day we’re shocked by the disregard for our lives and left in total disbelief.
So I’ll go first if I have to, just so I can beg at God’s feet,
To have mercy on mine and do a favor for me, by bringing CHITOWN back,
Cause it’s only our babies that are losing out, being casualties of Chiraq.

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Bloodshed

I live every day with a crippling, suffocating fear. I fear that each time I walk away from my 2 young sons, I won’t get them back in the same condition I left them. Yes, I’m a God fearing woman and I believe in the works He has for us, I pray constantly and plead the blood over my babies. I also understand that even in this world we live in and God controls, bad things sometimes happen to great people, and my sons are NOT exempt. I also live in Chicago, a beautiful city full of life and culture, that is stained by the blood of our babies. Where youth and adults alike proclaim YOLO and the mass mentality is concerned about when the newest sneakers come out, or what other folk are wearing, or what celebrities are doing, and the SAFETY and SANITY of my babies and all the others just like them aren’t a priority. Yeah I know you grown folks gotta live y’all lives too, you only get one, etc etc, but I don’t want my babies to have to live fast and die young, nor should you. When do we have enough?!? The loss of life is already insurmountable! When do we recreate our sense of community? When do we reclaim our pride and dignity as a people?!?! When can mothers and fathers stop fearing, believing, coming to terms with the fact that they may very well bury their own children?!?! How do we get our “brand new day”?!?!

Falling

I’ve recently spent my days and nights with you painting pictures of a future,
Including you in scenarios that weren’t important to me before I knew you.
Finding myself wishing some days I could extend them into forever,
The rest of the time relentlessly wondering if we could ever make it together.
You’ve made things I used to dream seem more like a memory,
And in each conversation with The Most High I thank Him for allowing you to be here with me.
Too much fear lies in me saying this, probably because it’s so true,
But each time I stand to my feet,
My familiar ground becomes shaky,
When I realize I’m falling for you…

Wanting

 
My fear lies in allowing you to love me.
 Not in the emotional sense of the word, rather physically.
 Not one to offer my body to many in situations involving lust,
 And knowing all too well what happens once you’ve been disappointed by a lover you used to trust.
 My heart simply doesn’t trust my libido enough.
 Not really in tune with what Im waiting for,
 Or when this fear will subside,
 But relishing in the pleasure being in your arms provides.
 It seems I have many things to decide,
 But I’m too damn smart to let my body be my guide.
 Totally unsure of who you are today,
 Or what you intend to be,
 Common sense tells me I need to approach our arrangement more carefully.
 And do my damnedest to not allow you to get the best of me.
 Literally!
 

Time

The difference between the past and the future is merely a matter of days.
Passing glances, amazing memories, faded pictures and words that have withered away.
Presently living inside the arms of years passed,
Wondering at times what we could have done to make us last.
Catching hell in the right now each time we cross paths,
While driving my damn self insane trying to figure out the math.
Totaling up all our wins and losses,
Dividing the rights by the wrongs,
Multiplying that by the love we once shared,
And attempting to subtract the pain.
Somehow it seems to all be in vain.
See my sensibility tells me we’ll never be the same,
And my heart is constantly being overridden by my brain,
While the sentimental side of me suggests I just try it all again.
Then we bump heads in the present and I just acquire new reasons to complain.
When I look into our future I see more days of discontent, a few laughs, some long discussions, maybe some great sex, but ultimately more arguments.
Disagreeing about exactly how our puzzle fits together,
Stepping into storms knowing we don’t have the equipment to withstand the weather.
In our former days we loved without protection, no barriers or fears,
Yet in our now we’re only left with open wounds, heavily structured walls, and pools of tears.
It allows me to see real clear…
I loved you with everything I had in my yesteryear,
Now all those emotions today are tainted with resentment even though you remain so dear.
I try to convince myself we can make it in the tomorrows and although I really hope it could be true,
I realize in my heart of hearts, there’s no place in my future for you.

God Already Thanked You…

Some were born to bear…
To unselfishly carry and conquer the burdens of many,
to unknowingly take on and triumph over the strife of plenty,
to endure and exchange, receive others pain.
To truly live the meanings behind their God given names.
Names that when defined state they’re “small and wise”, “Heaven sent”,
one “Who is like God”, an “Earth Worker”,
those that bring “Joy”, the “Warlike One”,  or the “Angel in God’s Eyes”.
It’s them that were destined before diapers to see some of us through,
And if its your moniker I mentioned,
please accept my thanks to you.
For walking and withstanding through some of life’s toughest woes,
Smiting and slaying life’s most unreasonable foes.
For being a rock, a confidant, a spiritual advisor, a friend.
One that isn’t afraid to take a hand in theirs and endure with someone til the end.
For everytime you laid on your face in prayer for someone else,
Each time you assisted another without thinking about yourself.
For being a beacon of light and abundantly blessing each and every life you touch,
It’s my prayer for you, that each time you hear your name spoken,
the world has said more than enough…

I’m Me!

So the New Year has come upon us! A time for reflection, refocus, and those oh so serious resolutions! Right?! Now is the time where so many folks resolve to be better, do better, live better for the next 365(6) days and nights. Or so they say…

I have a very stern tradition of not making resolutions during the New Year, it just doesn’t work out for my lifespace! No I’m not perfect, I make some idiotic decisions, I falter, I’m a frozen pizza away from being a fat girl, I procrastinate, I happen to like to indulge in alcoholic beverages, I cuss, I’m spoiled, my attitude gets kinda iffy and I just may need to enroll in an anger management course, but I’m ME! I actually kinda like the me I am too. I’m not quite sure how others take to me but that’s neither here nor there! I don’t feel the need to solemnly swear that I’m gonna instantly change and be different just because the calendar year happens to be changing. Hell maybe I live my life fiscally, who knows?!?!

I welcome the new year and the new promises it brings. I gladly accept and embrace the second chances to stuff like my credit score (some of those old debts falling off this year BAYBEE!), my work absences and tardies, my bill payment schedules, and oh but of course, the new year means my income tax refund is RIGHT around the corner!! 😀 What I’m not gonna do is lie to myself and the rest of the world and tell them I promise to become a perfect person in 2011. THAT shit won’t happen.

It is my hope that maybe sometime during 2011 some new things happen for me and maybe I’ll pick up some motivation to knock some stuff out and all that jazz. Maybe some higher power will step in and motivate me to get on a treadmill, make me stop being such a glutton for punishment, remove all these dirty words from my lil potty mouth (don’t cross your fingers, lol), take away the weakness in my heart for certain folks and their situations, help me decide to move faster to complete tasks, and so on and so forth. If that doesn’t happen and I stay the same me I am today, I vow to not jump into the Chicago River and end my promising, fulfilling, yet perfectly imperfect little life!!!

All I’m trying to say is, although change is good and everyone should strive for greatness, I LOVING the skin I’m in right now! Let me be great in my own way and on my own terms. Allow me to live life’s journey on the road I choose to follow. Like I always say, I dance to the beat of my very own drum and I love it that way! So what Shan’s a lil rough around the edges, that’s what makes me so much fun right?!

Y’all keep it sexy and ENJOY the life and love the New Year brings! Keep riding the rollercoaster of the living! It’s a helluva ride! Happy New Year! 😀

Only In My Portion Of The Planet

Happy Saturday! Yeah, Saturday, and in just a few moments you”ll understand why that detail becomes so relevant to me. It’s the WEEKEND, meaning the WEEK is over and I should be able to relax, if only for a moment, and get a few extra minutes of sleep. No waking the kids up at the crack of dawn, no coaxing a tired six year old out of the shower, no explaining to him that it’s NOT the day before and he needs to get his sleepwalking behind dressed for school. I get a reprieve, right?!?!? Happy Saturday.

Wellllll, no. Hell no! In the middle of my good sleep, the kind of sleep where you’re semi unconscious and not even dreaming, where you accidentally hear yourself snoring so u wake up real quick to make sure no old man broke in your house to sleep in your bed (oh thats just me huh? Yall a trip!), my phone is vibrating incessantly! Now anyone thats known me longer than a week understands without question that I am not a very exuberant waker (I may have just made that word up, so what). I’m thankful for mornings, but I don’t like talking to and interacting with others as soon as the new morning greets me! I just don’t! Folks know I gotta get my bearings back, my mind right and my attitude on point before I pass out the heys, hi’s, and hellos. If I don’t, proceed with caution…

So the phone is buzzing away… I was gonna ignore it, but the reasonable person that lives in one side of my head told me it may be important or an emergency for someone. So although I didn’t recognize the number at 7:00 AM, I answered. “Hello?”, in my “my breath still stinks so I ain’t tryin to sound cute” voice. The person on the other end, who sounds worse than me so I KNOW they aint brushed their tongue this morning, replies “Uh, hello. I’m sorry, maybe one of my lil’ cousins called you.” W…..T……F…… Shan don’t snap, Shan don’t snap. There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. No trick, YOU called me because YOU’RE on the other end of the phone when I answered!!!!

Now people, let’s just have a quick sidebar. Yes, I love the Lord, he heard my cry, but He has NOT delivered my tongue from cussing as of yet! I guess right here is where I’m supposed to proclaim that God ain’t done with me yet. I WILL cuss you out if you act a fool and when I’m done, I’ll pray for BOTH of us! Whew chile…

Back to the matter at hand. I’m clearly not falling for the banana in the tailpipe so anonymous woman who has clearly lost her damn mind calling me at the crack of dawn (yeah, all that’s her name right now) proceeds to ask: “Does Von call you? Lanell brother? Trent cousin? The one who just had the twins?!?! This Monique!”. O_O So before I can say “Congratulations Monique but I don’t give a f*** and I DON’T know you”, *cue the music* Monique snaps, crackles and pops and starts whoopin some early morning ass on the other end of the phone! So after a few seconds of rustling, audible slapping, and proclamations of “I hate you, you dirty b*tch” (she was talking to him, not me. lol) I decide that aint my battle and hangs up!

Now don’t get me wrong, right now, this ish is funny as all get out to me! It just wasn’t so funny when I had just opened my eyes and I had not yet turned my crazy off. Ladies, the moral of the story is, if you going through your man’s phone all night and you plotting an early morning attack I need you to think about a few things first. A) Pick the RIGHT woman!! Don’t jump at the first number you don’t recognize and call her with your mess! B) Be considerate. Just because you wanna whoop his ass woke, it’s NOT ok to disturb the beauty rest of a swan like myself that has nothing to do with your lying ass man. & last but not least #3) Make sure you call a sensible person, not someone like myself because I STILL haven’t decided against calling Ms. Monique back and giving her a stern talking to about her foolywang levels this morning. She done ran my pressure up with this mess…

Lemme gone make me some tea, just had to share a snippet of unsolicited craziness with yall! Enjoy yourselves today, you deserve it! Keep riding. 😀

Shan

Hello world!

Welcome to my corner of the world!!! 😀 How they say it… U could’ve been anywhere in the world, I know you know the rest!! Seriously, I appreciate folks taking time out of their busy lives to chop it up with me, however brief. I’m gonna do my best to take you on the journey that is me as painlessly as possible. You may laugh, you may cry, you may wanna fight me, you may wanna hug me. You may leave here not liking me, but I may say something that makes you love me! That’s just how I roll. Teeheehee! I can’t promise that what I express sometimes may not be difficult and honestly the subject matter isn’t gonna  necessarily be for the faint of heart, but it’s real and it’s me. So take it like a shot of cognac and have a good time!!!

Shan