The Boy Next Door

I see him daily, parading his pooch’s past me…
He always slides me this sly smile and I grin back gladly.
I mean he’s a sure specimen of sexy and leaves me longing whenever I look,
but when it comes to speaking my piece I just always become so shook.
This familiar ass stranger’s a winner in my book!
Check it out, he got this creamy cocoa complexion that makes me wanna take a bite,
& these mysterious ass eyes that look like thats something he might like.
He’s wearing these thick broad brows that tell of lengthy nights and longer mornings,
& perfectly sized ears to nestle my lips in when Im moaning.
Am I daydreaming of us boning?
Damn yall, I think Im jonesing!!!
Honey almost got me open, but shit I dont even know him.
Pshh, dont make me mention the mouth on him,
cause those lips definitely made for more than talking!
& I know yall thinking, “This crazy bitch stalking”,
but blame it on Babyboy cause HE that one got me gawking!!!!
All cause of this damn dog walking…
Im real scared to speak up cause I aint tryin to leave this up to luck.
Shit to be honest Im tryin to f…, wait, hold on let me back up,
before this manifestation of a marvelous man have me stuck!!!!
Hahaha, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
I aint real good at this lil game, & dont wanna come off like no lame.
Real talk, if I let him just walk away it’d be a damn shame,
So how bout I just grab the gate for him & start wit my name?

If You Say Real Talk…

They say its necessary to life but I don’t know if its something I believe in anymore,
see it don’t hold the same weight like it did once before.
It aint like the days of yesteryear when life was how it should have been, how they say it?
Yeah. Things were all so much simpler then…
Before toddlers were tampered wit cause their innocence was touched,
or that lil girl was tainted cause her first boyfriend “loved” her too rough.
I’m talking bout an intricate enigma we all call trust…
A word defined as the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone.
A definition that may quite possibly change by the time I get done.
U see, its real hard for me to be assured by anything other than God,
and although that promise is blessed, even day to day that can begin to get hard.
Examining the other parts of this meaning gets difficult to swallow,
not sure if these examples are something I can follow.
Cause really the character of many folks is mediocre at best,
not sure if integrity is something most these days possess.
I don’t see it possible that theres a someone able to sway my opinion on this,
and the strength of some of my peers is something I aint real comfortable with.
Lets be for real about this shit!
Truth is a concept that tons cant even comprehend,
for real, ask yourself about the last time you were lied to by a “friend”.
Ok or even your man,
while his lying ass tests your forgiving nature again and again.
Its unfortunate but it seems my instances are endless,
so many reasons to choose from I don’t know which ones to begin with.
I can try to listen to your point of view on the topic
but you’d probably come up with some shit to which Id disagree,
and when Im honest about not believing in trust
Im just looking out for me.
Throughout life cause of “trust” it seems Ive lost enough,
and see myself in so many of those lil girls that were touched that my heart bleeds for so much.
Ive had tiny lil pieces chipped away cause I trusted things like words,
and even worse believed I should offer it up automatically with love. Convinced every morsel of me that trusting in life and love would see me through,
ignorant, blind even to the damage it could do.
So you can think about me what u wanna,
call me a cynic if you need to,
but if you try to make me think you being for real believing in that shit,
I probably wouldn’t trust you…

This Is Where I Get Off…

I must preface this by saying, I’m PRETTY sure I’m gonna ruffle some feathers this time, but I don’t necessarily give a damn. Yeah I know, its gonna be some MAD mofos, male and female alike, but dammit this is how I feel! Can I live?!

You ever been riding a train and the conductor said, “Enough of this bullshit!”, and just hopped off that joint?! What would you do? I mean, you’d most certainly be stuck without a way to get to your destination, and sooner or later you’d just walk off right? You wouldn’t spend time tryna track the conductor down and coaxing him/her to begin operating it again right? If you had any sense, you’d figure out what went wrong on THAT particular ride and try your best to make sure that same mistake doesn’t happen on the next train.

WELP people, that’s how I feel about this “dating game” train it seems I’ve been riding! This is where the hell I get OFF! Ain’t gon’ be no more passengers thinking they can ride for free cause we go way back (remember me from high school ass people!). Aint gon’ be no more million question asking ass people, you ride the same damn train everyday, if you aint figured out the route by now you SHORT! There will be no more folks pulling the emergency brake cause they nodded off and missed their stop and rode they tired ass farther than they intended to! Gone are the days where the strays and stragglers just ride the train day and night with no destination in sight just cause they have nowhere else to go and nothing better to do! I will no longer clean up your trash, store your baggage, be the lost and found for what you leave behind, or be responsible for giving you turn by turn directions to your life’s destinations! If you aint down for the ENTIRE ride, this aint the train for you!

I say all THAT to say this, (this for the people in the cheap seats yall), IF you want a place in my life, a seat on my train so to speak then it is YOUR responsibility to stand up and be accounted for! Come equipped with a plan, a road map of sorts, so you don’t have to rely on me for all the answers. Sometimes I just wanna kick back and take a ride too! Whew honey, I know THIS is gonna get me in some trouble but in other words, MAN THE F*** UP! I shouldn’t have to tell you how to do that! I aint NEVER been a man, so for me to have to play both roles in any relationship with one is ridiculous. If you aint really tryna be WITH me for the long haul, the best idea is to not be with me at all!!!

If you wanna do something nice for me, don’t ASK what I would like to do or have, take some initiative and DO IT! If you wanna take me somewhere nice, make plans & tell me where I need to be and when to be there. Don’t ASK me what I need, pay attention! Hell if it snowed outside, I need my snow shoveled. If its lunchtime then dammit I wanna eat. If its the 1st of the month, the bills are most likely due, get in where you fit in. If its Wednesday send me flowers. Saturday just lend your ear. If you like me wearing my hair straight, shit pay for me to get it pressed out. If you prefer I wear red nail polish, facilitate them getting painted that color. Do you see where I’m going with this?!

I’ve worked my entire teenage/adult life. I don’t NEED to struggle and be uncomfortable in life to prove my independence to anybody! I know for a fact that if the job needs to get done, oh I’m all over it by my lonesome! I’d be DAMNED if I said “I don’t need a man” though!! Now you can call me what you want because I said that, just don’t call me no damn fool! Um men, we need you, those other chicks be frontin’. We also need you to know though, if you gon’ show up, be relevant, be necessary, be the MAN we need. Support us, encourage us, aid and assist us, protect us, PLAY YOUR PART!

Its taken me some time to realize that this has been a runaway train I’ve been aboard. Just picking up random folks along the way, not following a specified route, making stops that don’t make much sense, being misused and taken advantage of, and overextended. Although its been wild, and one helluva ride, THIS is where I get off!!!

Giving Myself

I grew tired of simply dreaming of you so I prayed you to life.
Met you in passing, you were more than I could imagine, but I couldn’t help but put up a fight.
As much as I desired you, I think i have an affinity for imperfection,
Seemingly, only attracted to unsavory characters disguised as gents.
I was doing things that lacked good sense.
Too afraid of my own shadow to let you in.
Mentally and emotionally scarred by the transgressions of previous men.
More than slightly affected by a bunch of shit I couldn’t dare charge you with,
I got caught in the crossfire many moons ago and my heart was hit.
Vowed though, that I wouldn’t die from it…
Today would be the day I broke that vow.
Only because the old me needed to die somehow.
In an attempt for me to accept you and get over a difficult past,
The hurt me had to leave and she had to go, fast.
So I was reborn with today’s hello…
Awakened by a voice just as powerful as it was mellow.
My fire was ignited by a touch smooth and strong like my favorite cognac,
Which made me wanna drink you.
Excited by your scent, so sweet it made me wanna breathe you.
Get wrapped up in your embraces and never, ever leave you.
Repeatedly pinch the both of us just so I could believe it was you,
I just need to make sure you’re really here…
I’m ready to conquer my fears.
To stop complaining about what I don’t have and take in what u have to give.
To not worry about what car you drive or where you decide to live,
But to cherish a exceptional MAN,
A standout amongst his peers.
I’m ready to live this new life,
As a friend, a partner, a lover brand new.
Loving you totally and unselfishly, I submit myself to you…

I’ve Yet To Let It Go

The truth is I love you,
But if I give you that much where does it leave me?
Loving you before brought me too much misery.
Wanting to forget all that happened but my emotions get the best of me.
Loving you today is so confusing to me…
I can only sit still and pray.
Trying my best to understand how things turned out this way.
Wanting to believe you didn’t understand how to love me, like you say.
But how can I be so sure you know how to do that today?
Is this just something you’re doing for play?
God knows I want to believe in you…
I’d love to have hope for a future considering all we’ve been through,
Seeing that you’ve seemed to grow so much since I first met you.
& honestly without you in my life at all I sometimes don’t know what to do.
I’m searching my soul for some clarity to understand you,
And my heart for some understanding that doesn’t continue to challenge you.
The real question is what is it that you want from me?
For once in your life decide what you want me to be,
And search your soul for a way to not behave so selfishly.
If “us” is something you can’t figure out, be well prepared to lose me,
Cause in and out of love with you is something I refuse to be.
I can’t take anymore of you misusing me…
You decide what’s more important, trying to create our future or rewriting our history? Please stop loving me so lazily.
Anyway baby, when you figure out all these answers you be sure to let me know,
Cause apparently, from what my heart’s telling me,
I’ve yet to let it go…

With This Ring

Earlier today, a friend of mine asked me to write a poem about divorce, so I did. Now some of yall may disagree with me, but um, that aint ever stopped me before! I could only write about MY experience, so if you judging me, so what, you won’t be the first one to do it… Here goes nothing.

“With This Ring”

I vowed to love him ’til death do us part’,
Now I’m confused as to whether that applied to my life or my heart.
I mean what happens when my spirit dies,
Once all his cheating and his lies stop coming as a surprise.
When staying for the kids doesn’t seem like its so wise,
Cause this man just doesn’t treat me the way a husband should treat his wife.
Even then, are you telling me leaving him isn’t right?!
After everything in this home of ours begins to feel out of place,
And I grow weary of being called a bitch to my face.
When the only thing he’s doing here is taking up space,
And all the memories of our “good times” start to get erased?
I guess I’ll have to repent for this,
Cause staying in this lifeless relationship has stopped making much sense.
He treats me like a pauper but wants to be waited on like a Prince.
And yeah he took those vows on THAT day but hasn’t loved me one bit ever since.
Now I know I’ll probably be met with some resistance,
But I have some new vows I’d like to present.
With this ring I leave you,
In a misery all your own.
See if I really wanted to be unhappy I could do it all alone.
With this ring I take back my courage and my self respect,
I’ll no longer be the worthless item you step over and neglect.
With this ring I give you back your hellish actions and hurtful words,
And pray to God you grow from this because your behavior is something your son will observe.
With this ring I remind myself never to count my worth in the measure of a man,
And I feel the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders as I remove it from my left hand.
With this ring I teach ME to love myself first,
And to grow stronger from this experience no matter how much it hurts.
With this ring I rebuke your abuse, this torture I refuse to continue to go through.
The love is gone, the pain is done, and with THIS RING that I return, I’m divorcing you…

We All Have One…

I know we all have that one person that we count our should’ve, would’ve, could’ve moments with. I dare somebody call me a lie! Lol We’re taught that love is one of those things that transcends time, space, & distance. I’ve thought to myself on more than one occasion if it could be true for MY “love”. Anyway, I was just thinking back, thought I’d share…

“The One That Got Away”

I watched him pass me by in another life.
Watched my present reality shut its door in my face and he quickly became my past.
What could I have done to make it last?
That was a question that lingered in my day to day, which turned to my week to week, month to month and before I looked up it was my year to year.
And I still missed him…
I could still feel his lips against mine, feels his hand in my hand,
which made it so much harder for me to understand how I left it all behind.
How could I have ever been so blind?
Clearly visually aware to everything but the bigger picture,
there was nothing anyone could say to get me to listen,
I thought I had it all figured out.
Now I know I took the wrong route.
Shacked up with the man who had it all at that particular time,
that glistened and shined,
that blew my back out but failed to make love to my mind.
Whose caress wasn’t as kind, embraces weren’t as sweet,
but I was already in way too deep.
He turned into a problem I had to keep.
I could only connect with the one I really wanted in my sleep.
In far away dreams that would reconnect us in every second of my present and allow me to erase our ugly past.
In quick instances of paradise that seemed to be over way too fast.
Captured in fleeting moments where I was able to catch up on all the things I really needed to say.
In scenarios that would reunite us in my today,
and not make me torture myself over the one that got away…

An Open Letter

It gets so hard for me to word my emotion,
my feelings about our current plight.
Overall, I mostly think about how much this shit just aint right.
At the current moment
its not important to me
exactly who’s to blame,
it just bothers me to know,
our past and present realities will never be the same.
I reflect on pacts and promises, devotions to each other we expressed,
and each time I remember
I find something new to forget.
I waste nights lying awake
stuck on some ol Musiq Soulchild type shit,
telling myself “I just want my friend back”,
then the pain creeps up
and that wanting fades away real quick.
It’ll probably take forever for you to see how it feels to love a person without end,
only to wake up one day
and realize all they ever did was pretend.
Another lifetime before you see the damage caused by your storm,
but the blessing for me
is that my battle’s already been won.
I’ve made huge strides in moving past, although I’ll admit,
it aint happen all that fast,
luckily I was bruised enough to stick wit’ it.
Had to keep reminding myself
that the heart is merely a muscle, and sometimes life’ll throw a Charley Horse in it.
I really had to say this to empty my mind,
cause honestly thinking of you
is a waste of my time,
but before I go,
I’m gone leave u with this:
“If u aint gone finish something you shouldn’t start it.
Beware of leavin the next woman brokenhearted,
cause her bow may not be as graceful as mine.
You see,
similar to love, rage is blind,
& you can never predict a scorned woman’s state of mind.
Really the only thing you owe her is the truth,
So stop blaming your deceit on your youth,
Cause you never know how your hurting her,
May end up hurting you…”

Live. Love. ThatsLife. Shan

This Time

This is just something that was put on my heart today for so many of the women, everywhere, that are battered and abused. Whether its once a day, or once a month, YOU don’t deserve to be treated like an animal. You’re strong enough, smart enough, beautiful enough to be treated like the queen you are. I’m no expert on the situation, but I know well enough to know if he beats you once, he has to up the ante everytime after that. Don’t give your life to someone it doesn’t belong to. There is help out here!!! Someone loves you, wants you, needs you. Value yourself and your life!!! Get some help before it’s too late!

“This Time”

Looks like he’s really done it this time.
She finally got the courage to pack all her things and leave,
Although she was afraid to jump into brand new, unsure of what he had up his sleeve.
Knowing that if he found her too soon, he may not grant her a reprieve,
And the very last thing she wanted her family to do was grieve.
So this time she stayed.
He had a very convincing sob story and she was always so easily swayed.
Convinced her that things would be different, and to ignore the previous black eyes he gave.
Look past the swollen jawbones and busted lips the same.
She was merely a puppet, completely oblivious to his intricate mind games.
So this time she obliged.
Even though these old stories were a web of familiar lies
And it was getting harder and harder for her to hide the pain that was living in her eyes.
To mask the bruises with more makeup and the shame with clothes that weren’t her size.
She was giving up because she didn’t believe she was strong enough to continue to fight.
So with her bags packed, by the door she hesitated, took a breath that night.
Never knowing what hit her before she could take her next step.
He could sense this would be the time when she really would’ve left and he was too insecure to allow her to leave him by himself.
Snuffed out in a second although she never thought she’d die.
Even though he’d beat her unconscious that one particular time.
But he swore that time was the last time,
That he needed her to survive, and he couldn’t live anymore, without her he couldn’t get by.
Again one of his fast lies, actually if he had a preference whether she lived or died,
He’d explain he thought she was useless without him in her life.
She didn’t listen those times, or the times before that,
When her mother said if he loved her he’d treat her with respect.
And she didn’t pay attention last time when the beatings got much worse,
When he said he’d never let her leave and he vowed to kill her first. See this time, she thought about last time and all the times before that, and the fear of exactly what he might do is what seemed to hold her back.
Now what’s done is done and the answers to why will be extremely hard to find,
I just wish there was something that could’ve saved her life, this time.

Nature’s Tragedy

No explanation. I just needed to breathe a little…

I’ve yearned for it since day one…
The love of a being who was always emotionally absent,
That acted as though I was a mistake or something they regret happened.
I’ve wasted my life wondering how I could get through,
And exactly what it couldve been that I did to you,
To make you stay away from me.
I’m always trying to figure out who you really want to me to be,
Cause from the looks of our current situation you don’t particularly care for me.
See from what the fairy tales tell me you’re supposed to love me unconditionally,
And take pride in the fact the you helped to create me.
Instead you treat me with such disdain,
A frown comes to your face every time you hear my name.
Getting you to be nice to me is a cruel and tiresome game,
And anytime something bad happens I’m the first one you choose to blame.
This shit is insane.
A person outside my shoes would call me dramatic,
Looking at our dynamic like its just minor static.
But in the pits of my eyes and spirit I read a story so tragic,
And feel the horrid effects of a situation where love’s not exactly automatic.
I’ve pretty much had it.
If you’d actually gotten to know me you’d see its all true,
And how sad our saga is cause I’m so much like you.
Regardless of our journey I’ll always love you like no other,
Cause I’ve never wanted anything more than the love of my mother…